My Emotion

I’ve lost friends and opportunities, and maybe I need to lose more in order to actually win. My support system feels nonexistent—no one to back me up, no one who genuinely cares whether I exist.

All this trauma, all this anxiety, it’s like a supernova—waiting, building, ready to explode. Maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe this is the end. No one wants to be real with me. No one answers my calls, my texts, my emails. I try to make things work, but they never do. And it’s not just about people—it’s everything. It’s work. It’s success. It’s the line between heaven and hell.

I feel like God hasn’t forgiven me for my sins. Like people haven’t forgiven me for all the times I’ve spoken up about how my life isn’t working. Words feel empty. And y’all just want me to grow up, to “be a man,” to stop complaining. But how the fuck do I stop when everything feels like hell? This is hell on earth, and no one gives a fuck.

I’ve been through trauma, and I know there’s more to come. I’ll keep losing—friends, opportunities, everything—and somehow, that’s how I’ll win. Maybe I need to be a recluse, alone on purpose, so I can grow, so I can see everything from a distance. Because everything I’ve encountered—people, places, moments—has only drained me. And I feel no relief.