No Filler: When Something Has to Give

It's 4:22 in the morning.

I'm sitting here eating because I can't sleep.

Not because I'm not tired.

I'm exhausted.

I'm so tired that my body feels like it's shutting down, but my mind refuses to stop running.

I can't think clearly.

I can't process anything.

Every time I close my eyes, another responsibility enters my head.

Another deadline.

Another obligation.

Another person depending on me.

Another thing I forgot to do.

I'm overwhelmed.

And I'm finally admitting it.

I've spent a long time convincing myself that I could carry everything.

Now I'm realizing I can't.

The biggest thing hanging over my head right now is my comprehensive exam.

It's in August.

I've studied for it, but if I'm being honest with myself, I haven't studied the way I know I need to study.

There's a difference between looking over material and mastering it.

For me, mastery takes time.

It takes repetition.

It takes working through homework assignments, quizzes, old exams, and concepts over and over until they finally make sense.

I'm not someone who retains information quickly.

I've never been that person.

It takes me longer.

That's just the truth.

And instead of accepting that reality and giving myself the time I need, I've kept piling more things onto my schedule.

Then there's the I-Corps program.

We're expected to complete one hundred customer discovery interviews in just a few weeks.

We've made progress, but it isn't easy.

People don't always answer emails.

People don't always return phone calls.

People have their own lives.

I understand that.

But understanding it doesn't make it less exhausting.

Every interview requires reaching out.

Following up.

Waiting.

Getting ignored.

Trying again.

I've reached out to people I honestly knew weren't going to respond.

Not because I wanted to.

Because I felt like I had no choice.

The truth is, I don't enjoy constantly reaching out to people.

I don't enjoy networking just for the sake of networking.

I don't enjoy chasing people down.

But the project requires it.

And that's mentally draining for me.

What makes it even harder is watching how unevenly the work is distributed.

Our entrepreneurial lead is working incredibly hard.

He's carrying a tremendous amount of responsibility.

He has his own qualifying exam approaching, yet he's still pushing forward with this project every day.

Meanwhile, our technical lead has been largely absent from the interview process.

The industry mentor hasn't been very involved either.

So the workload naturally falls on fewer people.

And when you're already overwhelmed, every additional responsibility feels heavier than it normally would.

Then there's research.

This summer I'm expected to be in the lab consistently.

My professor wants me to be present.

He wants me asking questions.

Making progress.

Learning.

Growing.

I understand why.

Research is important.

But mentally I constantly feel like I'm being evaluated.

Am I working hard enough?

Am I asking enough questions?

Am I making enough progress?

Am I proving that I'm worth investing in?

Those thoughts never really leave my mind.

Yesterday added another layer.

A professor I worked closely with during my master's degree asked if I could help some students with SolidWorks modeling.

He told me it would only take a few minutes.

He even said I could say no.

At first, I did hesitate.

But then he continued asking.

So I agreed.

I showed up early.

I helped the students.

And then something happened that frustrated me.

He left.

I stayed.

What was supposed to be a few minutes turned into several hours.

Hours that I had planned to dedicate to research.

Hours that I needed.

Hours that I couldn't get back.

The students deserved help.

None of this is their fault.

But I couldn't help thinking about everything else waiting for me.

Research.

Studying.

Interviews.

Deadlines.

Everything.

Meanwhile, my professor is wondering why I'm not spending more time in the lab.

And from his perspective, I understand why he feels that way.

He doesn't see every commitment pulling me in different directions.

He sees the outcome.

He sees my availability.

He doesn't necessarily see everything competing for my attention.

That's what makes this season so difficult.

Everyone sees one piece of the puzzle.

I'm the only one carrying the whole puzzle.

And somewhere in the middle of all this...

I've stopped sleeping.

Not just recently.

For a long time.

I've lost sleep because of difficult semesters.

I've lost sleep because I stayed up studying.

I've lost sleep because I sabotaged myself trying to get ahead.

I've lost sleep during vacations because I couldn't rest in hotel rooms.

I've lost sleep preparing for the FE exam.

I've lost sleep worrying about research.

I've lost sleep worrying about the future.

Eventually all of that catches up with you.

You begin functioning, but you're no longer recovering.

You're surviving instead of resting.

My mom has been telling me something for a while now.

"You need to slow down."

At first, I thought slowing down meant falling behind.

Now I think she might have been right all along.

Maybe slowing down isn't giving up.

Maybe slowing down is how you survive.

I've been writing about this idea called No Filler.

Originally it started as a philosophy about music.

Don't overload an album with unnecessary songs.

Only include what deserves to be there.

Now I realize that philosophy has nothing to do with music anymore.

It's about life.

I've filled my calendar the same way some artists fill albums.

Too many commitments.

Too many responsibilities.

Too many expectations.

Eventually quality disappears because quantity takes over.

And now I'm at a point where something has to give.

I don't know exactly what that something is yet.

Maybe I reduce certain commitments.

Maybe I learn to say no more often.

Maybe I ask for help when I truly need it.

Maybe I accept that I cannot do everything at once.

What I do know is this:

I need rest.

Real rest.

Not five minutes between meetings.

Not an exhausted nap.

Not sleep that comes after weeks of burnout.

I need recovery.

Because no accomplishment is worth destroying my health.

No project is worth losing myself.

No opportunity is worth sacrificing every ounce of peace I have left.

This chapter of my life is still called No Filler.

Tonight, that phrase has a new meaning.

No filler responsibilities.

No filler commitments.

No filler expectations.

Protect the essentials.

Protect my health.

Protect my mind.

Protect my future.

Because if I don't protect those things now, there won't be enough of me left to accomplish the goals I've been working so hard to reach.

So tonight, before anything else, I have to remember one simple truth:

I don't need more on my plate.

I need enough rest to carry what's already there.