Just an Update on Things I Went Through

Things feel like they’re going downhill, and this isn’t something a simple song can fix.

I just released the super deluxe edition of Tell Me the Feeling. Two extra songs, and one of them is called “Retrain My Heart.” That song is about teaching myself not to fall in love so easily. It’s about protecting my mental health by learning to be alone and not attaching myself to people who might not stay. It’s about discipline in emotions. And it’s crazy how life will test the exact message you just released into the world.

Recently, I attended a mandatory Zoom seminar about dissertation productivity. It was focused on time management, project management, actually sitting down and writing. It was helpful. At the end, the speaker called on me specifically and asked what I was going to do with the techniques we discussed. I told her I would start writing my dissertation. I haven’t typed anything yet, even though I’m in the beginning stages of research. I also told her I would start finding a support system.

Who knew that trying to find a support system would cause so much chaos?

That same day, I decided to email someone I cut off a year ago. I thought maybe I could make amends. Maybe I could rebuild something. I asked how they were and apologized for not responding in the past. I don’t even know what I expected. Maybe I expected silence. Maybe I expected closure.

They didn’t respond at first. So a couple days later, I reacted. I sent another email saying they weren’t my friend anymore. Then they finally responded, but from a different email address, talking about “best friends” and wishing me happy birthday. That response came on Friday—the same day I released the super deluxe edition.

I told them I was open to friendship again. After that, silence.

And that silence followed me into everything.

I left my midterm ten minutes early. I’ve never done that in my life. Even if I didn’t understand a problem, I would stay and try. But this time, I didn’t. It wasn’t just about the question. It was exhaustion. It was stress. It was thinking about friendships and wondering why I let something like that shake me.

I realized something: if someone doesn’t want to maintain a friendship, there’s no point forcing it. If they won’t respond, pushing further becomes harassment. At some point, you have to read the social cues and let people be. At least I tried. That has to count for something.

But I keep asking myself why I don’t listen to my own instincts. I know that for me, preserving my mental health is everything. That doesn’t mean I have to intentionally go out searching for a support system. Maybe what I have right now is enough. Maybe I don’t need more people. Maybe I need focus.

Because while I’m stressing over rekindling something that probably isn’t meant to be rekindled, I’m missing things that actually matter. Seminars. Studying. Research.

My professor already warned me. If I don’t produce research, he won’t work with me anymore. That’s not a small warning. That’s a threat to my academic future. And if I stop working with him, people will ask why. And no matter what explanation I give, they’ll assume something deeper. They’ll assume I wasn’t hardworking. That’s the reputation I fear more than anything.

I’ve seen someone else be perceived that way. Someone who’s been stuck in a PhD program for years without showing consistent effort. I don’t want to be seen like that. I don’t want to be the person people whisper about, the one who “could’ve done more.”

And yet, here I am, letting a friendship situation drain my energy.

I wasted days worrying about emails. I wasted focus. I wasted mental space. The stress built up so much that now I can’t even sleep without medicine. I take medication to lower my heart rate and blood pressure so I can fall asleep. That’s where I’m at.

Retrain my heart wasn’t just a song. It was supposed to be a strategy. Protect your mental health. Be alone. Learn yourself. Don’t depend on people who aren’t consistent.

March just started, and I already have a bad feeling about it. But maybe that feeling isn’t prophecy. Maybe it’s just stress.

I’m going to be fine. They’re going to be fine. This situation isn’t the end of the world.

The real issue is focus.

If I keep letting emotional situations override academic responsibilities, I’ll lose everything I worked for. If I keep chasing validation from people who aren’t responding, I’ll miss opportunities that are right in front of me.

Sometimes the support system is already there. Sometimes it’s family. Sometimes it’s structure. Sometimes it’s discipline.

Maybe retraining my heart means retraining my priorities.

Because at the end of the day, I can’t afford to let silence from someone else dictate the direction of my life.