The pressure

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opyf0GBu53E

After I finished my finals back in April, I finally started feeling like my brain could breathe again. It honestly felt like I had survived something. The pressure from classes, assignments, deadlines, projects, expectations, and constantly feeling like I had to prove myself all at once—it was exhausting. But once finals were over, I noticed something important: my mind became quieter. Not perfect. Not peaceful all the time. But quieter. More stable. I finally felt like I could think again without feeling like the walls were closing in on me. Of course, life immediately replaced one source of stress with another because now the FE exam is right around the corner. I take mine on the 16th, and it’s already the 10th. That means every single day matters right now. Every hour matters. Every decision matters. That’s the scary thing about adulthood and long-term goals—there’s no pause button. You finish one battle and immediately walk into another one. But honestly, I think I’m handling this period of my life better than I would’ve last year. Last year I was mentally all over the place. Fear controlled too many of my decisions. Hesitation controlled too many of my decisions. Now I’m finally starting to understand that discipline is what separates people who dream from people who actually build futures for themselves.

One of the biggest things I’ve started realizing lately is that growing up is really about sacrifice and self-discipline. That’s what adulthood actually is. People make adulthood sound exciting because you gain freedom, but nobody really talks about how adulthood is mostly self-control. When you’re a child, your parents discipline you. If you don’t do what you’re supposed to do, something gets taken away. Maybe you get grounded. Maybe your devices get taken away. Maybe you get punished in some way. But once you become an adult, nobody is going to step in and save you from your bad habits anymore. Nobody’s going to stop you from ruining your sleep schedule. Nobody’s going to stop you from wasting money. Nobody’s going to stop you from scrolling your life away on social media. Nobody’s going to stop you from destroying your hearing by blasting music too loud in headphones. That responsibility becomes yours. And honestly, I’ve had to start punishing myself—not in a self-destructive way, not in a harmful way, but in a disciplined way. I got rid of my hearing devices because I realized my hearing was already getting worse. That has nothing to do with the FE exam directly, but it has everything to do with protecting my future. Maybe I really do have to stop using headphones forever. That sounds extreme, but hearing damage is real. Some damage doesn’t reverse. And that’s the thing about life: sometimes discipline means grieving the loss of things you enjoy because you understand the long-term consequences if you don’t stop.

The same thing applies financially. I’ve realized recently that even though generosity is a beautiful thing, random emotional spending can become dangerous if you don’t have self-control. For example, I spent money on a woman who helped me with my order at Waffle House. Now, being kind isn’t wrong. But the deeper issue was that I spent money emotionally and impulsively instead of strategically. That’s the kind of thing that slowly destroys financial stability over time if you don’t catch it early. And when I thought about it afterward, I realized something painful: because I spent money unnecessarily, now I might have to give up something else I actually wanted for myself. Maybe I can’t afford membership for something important later. Maybe I have to skip opportunities now because I wasn’t disciplined earlier. That’s adulthood too. Every unnecessary decision has consequences attached to it. And people laugh at small purchases until years pass and suddenly they realize they never built financial security for themselves. I think about the future constantly now. What if I get older and need money for medical problems? What if I need help mentally someday? What if I need money for peace, stability, or survival? These are real fears now. That’s why discipline matters so much. Sometimes you sacrifice comfort now so your future self doesn’t suffer later.

And honestly, one of the hardest things I’m learning is that I probably need to isolate myself more than I want to emotionally. Not because I hate people. I actually care about people deeply. But I’m beginning to realize that not everybody can come with you while you’re trying to build your future. I can’t just be friends with everybody anymore. I can’t give everybody unlimited access to my time, energy, focus, emotions, or attention because all of those things cost something. Every distraction costs time. Every emotional attachment costs focus. Every unnecessary interaction costs mental energy. And right now I have goals that are too important to lose sight of. I want to pass the FE exam. I want to finish my PhD. Preferably by 2028, even though I understand life can shift timelines around. I want to release music. I want to release books. I want to build an actual legacy. I already know the date I want to release one of my books—July 26, 2033. That sounds far away until you realize how long writing actually takes. I already wrote the prelude and multiple chapters, and that alone took years. YEARS. People underestimate creative work because they only see the final product. They don’t see the rewrites, the exhaustion, the self-doubt, the planning, the nights where you stare at a blank page wondering if your ideas even matter. If I really want that book released in 2033, then I have to become even more disciplined than I already am.

That’s why I’ve slowly removed distractions from my life. I barely use social media anymore. I stopped watching gaming videos. My Xbox 360 is literally sitting outside my room collecting dust. And honestly? That hurts emotionally sometimes because I miss simpler days. I miss waking up on weekends and just relaxing without guilt. I miss playing games for hours. I miss watching YouTubers play games while I ate breakfast. I miss feeling mentally free enough to waste time without feeling pressure breathing down my neck. But I realized earlier this year that I couldn’t keep doing that. One Monday morning around February, I spent HOURS watching somebody play a game online. Hours. And afterward I felt disgusted with myself because I knew deep down I had too much to accomplish to lose entire mornings like that anymore. That moment changed something in me. I realized entertainment becomes dangerous when it consistently distracts you from your purpose. So I cut it off. Not because games are evil. Not because YouTube is evil. But because I know myself. I know how easily I can get absorbed into things. I know how easily distractions become addictions if left unchecked. And honestly, social media is one of the worst addictions humanity has normalized. People scroll for HOURS and gain absolutely nothing from it. No growth. No purpose. No direction. Just endless stimulation and wasted time. That scares me. Time is literally the most valuable thing we have, and people hand it away for free every single day.

That’s why I barely touch social media now unless I absolutely have to. The only real time I used it this year was because I needed to post something for our organization. Outside of that, I try to stay away from it because I know how quickly it can pull people away from reality. Addictions don’t always look dramatic. Sometimes addictions look like constantly refreshing your feed. Sometimes addictions look like always needing notifications. Sometimes addictions look like needing noise around you because silence forces you to confront yourself. And I think that’s what scares people the most: silence. Because silence reveals who you actually are underneath the distractions.

Another thing I’ve realized lately is that relationships and interactions with people require boundaries too. There’s someone with a birthday coming up soon, and honestly, I already know I’m probably not going to say happy birthday to them. Not because I hate them. Not because I want revenge. But because we’re not in the same place anymore, and emotionally reopening certain doors would distract me from what I need to focus on. Discipline sometimes means accepting emotional distance. It hurts, but it’s necessary. And honestly, some situations still confuse me. Like how are you going to block somebody on Facebook but still follow them on Instagram? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Human behavior is weird. People want access to you while simultaneously pushing you away. And honestly, I don’t have the energy to decode mixed signals anymore. I’m too busy trying to survive my own life.

One thing that really hurts me emotionally sometimes is feeling like I care more than other people do. I’m the type of person who will organize a study session group and consistently show up every single time. But when other people don’t show up after saying they would, it makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I’m inadequate somehow. And that’s something I’m trying to stop doing because I realize now that other people’s inconsistency is not always a reflection of my worth. Some people simply lack discipline. Some people don’t prioritize things seriously. Some people like the IDEA of improvement more than the actual process of improvement. And that’s not my responsibility to fix.

The same thing applies to emails and communication in general. I’ve started realizing that I don’t need to carry the emotional weight of replying to every single person all the time. I don’t owe everybody access to me. I don’t owe everybody constant emotional labor. Some people genuinely need to be left alone. Some conversations don’t need continuation. Some relationships naturally fade away, and forcing them to survive only drains your energy further.

And now here we are in May already. Time is moving terrifyingly fast. The FE exam pressure is building. The comprehensive exam pressure is building. Research pressure is building. Financial pressure is building. Future pressure is building. Everything feels heavy right now. But at the same time, I honestly believe if I stay disciplined this year, if I sacrifice correctly, if I stay focused, then by December I might finally breathe again. Maybe by December I’ll finally feel proud of myself. Maybe by December I’ll finally feel stable mentally. Maybe by December I’ll finally feel like all this pressure was building toward something meaningful.

Because despite how hard this year has been, despite how exhausting this year has been, despite how lonely discipline can feel sometimes, I still believe my future can become something great.

I have to believe that.

Otherwise none of this sacrifice means anything at all.