The Day After Valentine’s Day — A Full Recap of Where I Am

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day.

And I’ll be honest.

Someone called me yesterday.

They were checking up on me. It was kind. It was genuine. They said they missed me. The crazy part is they were on my block list, so I didn’t even see the voicemail until later when I went digging. When I finally heard it, I felt something. A little excitement. A little warmth. A little validation.

But I could also hear it in their voice.

They were tired.

Tired, but still missing me.

And that hurt.

Because I can’t be around them.

Not because I don’t care. Not because I hate them. Not because they’re evil.

But because I have to protect my mental health.

The Pattern of Cutting People Off

If you look back at everything I’ve written over the past few weeks, there’s a pattern.

I cut people off. I block people. I distance myself. I tell people we’re not friends.

At first, it feels powerful. Liberating. Clean.

Then the loneliness hits.

But here’s the truth I’ve been circling around in every post:

I’ve been through a lot mentally.

And most people don’t understand my past mental health escapades. They didn’t see the breakdowns. They didn’t see the overthinking. They didn’t see the rejection sensitivity. They didn’t see the paranoia about being overexposed. They didn’t see the nights where I felt like I wasn’t special, wasn’t taken seriously, wasn’t respected.

They just see me now.

And now, I’m in a rebuilding phase.

And rebuilding requires isolation.

The Bigger Picture: Why I’m Doing This

If I recap everything:

• I don’t feel taken seriously.

• I applied to 30+ jobs and didn’t get hired.

• I felt dehumanized.

• I left my backpack in the lab and panicked about someone going through it.

• I questioned whether I’m special.

• I decided I have to prove I’m special through discipline.

• I committed to passing the FE exam.

• I committed to finishing my PhD aggressively.

• I committed to limiting social media.

• I committed to scrubbing my image.

• I committed to finishing my album.

• I committed to writing my book.

• I committed to becoming hyper-focused.

• I committed to not letting friendships derail me.

And now Valentine’s Day comes.

Someone misses me.

But I can’t afford to miss them back.

Because this season of my life isn’t about emotional comfort.

It’s about construction.

Today’s Reality

Today is simple.

I have three responsibilities:

1. Get my computer checked.

   • See if Best Buy can fix the hard drives.

   • Free up space.

   • Clean out my system — physically and digitally.

2. Work on research efficiently.

   • Not casually.

   • Not loosely.

   • Aggressively.

3. Finish homework.

That’s it.

No long phone calls. No emotional detours. No nostalgia spirals.

Unless it’s my parents, I don’t have time to sit on the phone.

Not because people aren’t valuable.

But because I’m rebuilding my foundation.

Student Advisory Board & Learning to Be Quiet

I also realized something else.

They still haven’t updated the Student Advisory Board list from Fall 2021.

That’s old.

And it made me think: why am I always volunteering myself for everything?

Why am I always speaking up?

Why am I always trying to fix systems that don’t change?

I’ve said it before in another post: I need to shut up more.

In meetings. In rooms. In conversations.

Not because I don’t have insight.

But because silence preserves energy.

I don’t need to be the loudest. I don’t need to be the reformer. I don’t need to be the campus savior.

Right now, I need to be the disciplined worker.

The Money & The Minimalism

Getting hard drives fixed costs money. Being social costs money. Going out costs money. Emotional chaos costs energy.

I don’t like spending money. I don’t like wasting time. I don’t like drifting.

So if Best Buy can’t fix it? Fine. If the hard drives stay broken? Fine.

I will adjust.

I can’t afford to be dramatic about small inconveniences.

The Emotional Conflict

But let me be honest.

It still hurt to ignore that call.

It still hurt to hear their tired voice saying they miss me.

It still hurt to know I’m the one who keeps cutting people off.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

Sometimes loving yourself means disappointing other people.

And I’m in a season where I need to choose my long-term mental stability over short-term emotional warmth.

I might not talk to certain people ever again.

That’s a hard sentence to type.

But it might be true.

And I have to be okay with that.

Church & Centering

Today I’m going to church.

I need Jesus.

Not in a dramatic way. Not in a “fix everything” way.

But in a grounding way.

Because if I’m being honest, a lot of my recent posts revolve around:

• Control.

• Proving myself.

• Discipline.

• Becoming special.

• Outworking everyone.

• Isolation.

And if I don’t anchor that in something bigger than ego, it can spiral.

God already thinks I’m special.

I just don’t always feel it.

Where I Truly Stand

I am:

• Focused on passing the FE exam.

• Focused on graduating on time.

• Focused on research productivity.

• Focused on limiting distractions.

• Focused on cleaning up my digital life.

• Focused on reducing social chaos.

• Focused on protecting my mental health.

And yes, sometimes that means:

• Ignoring calls.

• Blocking people.

• Not answering.

• Not being “available.”

• Not being emotionally accessible.

Not forever.

But for now.

The Hard Truth

I might not need to talk to many people anymore.

That’s the realization.

Not in a bitter way. Not in a “everyone is selfish” way. But in a “this is my grind season” way.

I have:

• Research deadlines.

• Poster presentations.

• Oral presentations.

• FE exam pressure.

• Album deadlines.

• Computer issues.

• Academic expectations.

I don’t have space for emotional volatility.

Final Thought

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day.

Somebody missed me.

I missed them too.

But I’m choosing structure over sentiment.

I’m choosing discipline over desire.

I’m choosing long-term stability over short-term comfort.

And after church today, after getting my computer checked, after finishing my homework, after working efficiently on research…

I’ll look back at this post and remember:

This is the season where I stopped drifting.

And started locking in.