The Post

I’m not using AI to help me write this.

I just want to be honest.

Yesterday my professor got onto me. He was disappointed. Not just disappointed — genuinely frustrated that I’m not far enough in my research. He also didn’t like that I’ve used ChatGPT to help organize my ideas and understand certain concepts instead of fully grinding through the papers myself.

He basically made it clear: if I keep using AI in ways he doesn’t approve of, he’ll cut me off the team.

That hit me hard.

Not just because of the threat.

But because underneath it, I felt something worse.

I felt like I’m not being taken seriously.

And when someone doesn’t take you seriously, it makes you feel inadequate. Small. Like you’re pretending to be something you’re not.

He’s under pressure. I know that. I don’t want to add to it. But now I feel this huge weight on my shoulders — like one wrong move and everything collapses.

At the same time, I’m running an organization where everything is falling on me. I’m moving pieces, handling logistics, taking full charge of things. And I’m thinking: can I rest? Or is rest not allowed right now?

Then, in the middle of all this, I thought maybe I should reach out to someone I cut off a year ago. Maybe rebuild something. Maybe find support.

They didn’t respond to my email.

And that shook me.

So I reacted. I told them not to talk to me ever again and that they were never my friend.

That’s where I’m at right now.

Looping.

Professor disappointed.

Organization pressure.

Support system failing.

AI boundaries.

Threat of being cut off.

No response.

Feeling inadequate.

Feeling replaceable.

I even had a test today. I left ten minutes early because I didn’t understand one problem. I could’ve stayed. I could’ve tried. But I didn’t.

And that scares me more than anything.

Because the question isn’t:

“Is my professor too harsh?”

The real question is:

Why am I not trying the way I used to?

Why am I leaving early?

Why am I mentally checking out?

Why does the passion feel gone?

Part of me wants to quit and tell him not to waste his time.

Part of me wants to stay silent.

Part of me wants to fight.

Part of me feels like it’s already over.

Am I working hard enough for real?

Or am I just tired?

Because there’s a difference.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’m lazy.

I think I’m overwhelmed.

And when I’m overwhelmed, I shut down instead of push through.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care.

It means I’m exhausted.

But exhaustion and inadequacy feel the same when someone you respect is disappointed in you.

Right now I’m in a bad spot.

Not quitting.

Not winning.

Just stuck.

And I don’t know how to get out yet.

But I know one thing.

If I quit because I’m embarrassed, that’s not strength.

If I stay because I’m scared, that’s not strength either.

The real strength is figuring out whether I still want this — and if I do, proving it through action, not words.

Because nobody is going to take me seriously until I take myself seriously.

That’s the hard truth.