August 12th

It’s August 12th, and I’ve put myself in a really bad position. All last month, I cared about someone and was there for them—especially at my school—but they didn’t care about me. They took advantage of my money, time, and effort, and when it came time to show even a little gratitude, they were reluctant to give me a thank-you card for the end of the internship. I had to practically beg for it, and I shouldn’t have to beg for anything. That says a lot about the type of person I am—someone who goes out of their way for others. When I finally got the card, there was no message inside, just my name. That’s okay, though. The next time she needs my help, I won’t be there to answer. I’ve blocked her, deleted her number, and will be removing her from social media. This isn’t an isolated situation; it keeps happening with other people too. I even helped someone with their thesis by sharing mine, but when I asked to see theirs—or even just their PowerPoint slides—they refused. It was clearly intentional. I’m over here trying to win friendships, but the truth is, I’m not winning anything. Nobody wants to be friends with me.

I feel like I’ve lost all my opportunities. I don’t have a real job; I’m just working at a university because no one will hire me. I feel like the whole world is against me, like no one is in my corner, supporting me, or caring about me. I doubt anyone would even show up to my funeral if I died—that’s how bad things feel. As the years go by, I’m getting colder. People keep asking me to do things for them, and when I do, I get nothing back. No repayment, no gratitude. That’s part of the reason I’ve been doing these blogs—to try to keep myself on a better mental path in ways journal entries can’t. I’ve been counting how many posts I’ve made so far, and even though I still have a lot more to do, I guess today is the day I’m starting again.