Since Saturday, We’re Starting Over (Extended)

It’s crazy that it’s almost March.

Midterms are either here or around the corner. The semester is moving whether I’m ready or not. Time doesn’t slow down just because I’m overwhelmed. It doesn’t pause because I feel unproductive. It doesn’t care if I spent Monday watching YouTube instead of pushing my research forward.

And that’s the reality I have to sit with.

I just ate a whole sandwich, and now I can’t sleep. Too much food, too late at night. It’s small, but it represents something bigger. Overconsumption. Lack of control. Even in little habits. Even in timing. I don’t want to overlap my mistakes anymore — staying up late, eating heavy, watching distractions, then waking up tired, then underperforming. That cycle has to break.

Because midterms don’t care about how I feel. Research deadlines don’t care about how I feel. The FE exam definitely doesn’t care.

The Wake-Up Call

Ever since Martin Luther King Jr. Day, something shifted in me.

I remember the director of the research symposium talking to me. He told me to get to work. He told me he was disappointed that I wasn’t doing as much as I should.

That stung.

But sometimes disappointment is fuel.

As a Black man in engineering, in academia, I can’t afford to drift. I can’t afford to be mediocre. There are too many narratives already written about us. Too many assumptions. Too many ceilings placed before we even walk into the room.

And when I heard him say that — when I felt that pressure — I didn’t just feel personal accountability. I felt responsibility.

Responsibility to prove that I belong here. Responsibility to outwork the doubt. Responsibility to build something meaningful.

I said before I don’t feel special.

Maybe that’s okay.

Maybe being special isn’t something you feel — it’s something you build through relentless discipline.

The Grind Has To Be Intentional

If I want:

• To finish this PhD in three years instead of five…

• To pass the FE exam without excuses…

• To release the Super Deluxe without rushing…

• To build something patentable in my research…

• To be taken seriously…

Then I don’t get casual mornings anymore.

No more drifting into YouTube. No more “I’ll start later.” No more romanticizing burnout without actually producing results.

Grinding harder doesn’t mean chaos. It means structure.

It means:

• Studying even when I’m uncomfortable.

• Making measurable research progress weekly.

• Taking practice FE exams until my brain builds endurance.

• Cutting distractions before they cut me.

The Truth About Pressure

People are watching.

Not in a paranoid way — just in a performance way.

My professor wants results. The symposium director expects progress. The department expects production. The clock expects consistency.

And I can’t let myself become the person who had potential but never executed.

I don’t want people to shake my hand and say, “He could’ve been great.”

If anything, I want quiet respect. Not hype. Not titles. Just earned credibility.

The Identity Conflict

I’ve said I’m not greatness.

And I stand by that.

But I also don’t want to live small.

I don’t want to shrink because I’m afraid of failing publicly. I don’t want to hide behind humility as an excuse for underperformance.

There’s a difference between being humble and being hesitant.

Right now, I’ve been hesitant.

Hesitant to push too hard. Hesitant to believe I can finish in three years. Hesitant to believe I can pass the FE on the first try. Hesitant to fully detach from distraction.

That hesitation ends here.

March Is Almost Here

That scares me a little.

March means:

• Midterms.

• Spring break.

• Album deadlines approaching.

• More research expectations.

• Less room for error.

But March also means opportunity.

If I lock in now, March can be the month that changes the trajectory.

Not dramatically. Not with some viral moment. But with consistency.

Hope and Responsibility

I said something earlier that I want to expand on.

Ever since Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I’ve had more hope for the Black race.

Why?

Because when someone in authority looks at you and says, “Do better,” that means they believe you can.

Disappointment can be disrespectful. But it can also be expectation.

And I’d rather be expected to do more than be ignored.

So instead of internalizing it as: “I’m not enough.”

I’m reframing it as: “They believe I can do more.”

And they’re right.

The Final Realization

The sandwich. The sleeplessness. The YouTube mornings. The pressure. The research. The FE exam. The isolation. The Valentine’s Day indifference. The cut-off relationships. The guilt. The ambition.

It’s all connected.

This season isn’t about feeling special. It’s about becoming disciplined.

It’s about proving to myself that I can:

• Control my habits.

• Control my schedule.

• Control my effort.

• Control my narrative.

Not the outcome. Not the world. Not other people.

Just me.

And if I can master that?

Everything else will follow.

Since Saturday, we’re not just starting over.

We’re executing.

No overlap. No drifting. No soft excuses.

Just work.

It’s almost March.

Time to move.