Tell Me the Feeling: A Year-End Reflection

Today, I want to talk about something that’s been sitting heavy on my chest — the end of the year, the weight of reflection, and the release of my EP Tell Me The Feeling, which I dropped on Christmas. Right now, it’s December 30th. The year is almost over, and whether I’m ready or not, I’m standing at the edge of something new.

This year has been… hard. There’s no other way to put it. It’s been the hardest year I’ve had in a long time — mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve lost people. I’ve lost opportunities. I’ve lost momentum at times. I’ve questioned myself more than I ever thought I would. And yet, somehow, I’m still here.

That’s why this EP means so much to me.

The Meaning Behind Tell Me The Feeling

This project isn’t just music — it’s a reflection of where I’ve been emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Every track holds a piece of a year that tested me in ways I didn’t expect.

The opening track, “I Need the Lights On,” comes from a place of uncertainty. It’s about feeling lost, especially when things aren’t going the way you hoped — careers, jobs, expectations, and the pressure of social media constantly telling you that you’re behind. That song starts slow and reflective, almost fragile, before opening into something more emotional and layered. It mirrors how life feels when you’re trying to find clarity in the middle of confusion.

Then comes “Stop,” which leans into movement and energy. That song was inspired by Tron: Legacy, especially the way Daft Punk used rhythm and atmosphere to create momentum. It’s a dance record, but underneath that energy is frustration — that internal voice telling you to pause, to think, to breathe.

“Mind Still Rattling” is chaotic on purpose. It starts off loud, overwhelming, and uneasy — because that’s what my mind feels like most days. But then it transitions into spoken word, where the thoughts finally slow down. That part holds a lot of weight for me. It’s honesty without filters.

Then there’s “Square One.” This one carries a hip-hop influence with an electronic edge. It’s blunt. It’s confident. It’s the moment where I stop apologizing for who I am. There’s a “Flume-like” energy to it, but the message is simple: I’m done explaining myself.

And finally, my favorite track — the closer. It circles back to the opening chord progression from the first song, but it moves faster, almost urgently. It’s about rejecting love, or at least the version of love I’ve known so far. It’s about realizing that sometimes you don’t have love to give — and that’s okay. The last line, “everyone’s gone,” hits hard because that’s exactly how it feels sometimes.

This EP feels complete. I’ve thought about adding more songs, maybe even making a deluxe version — but I don’t think that’s necessary. Sometimes art needs to stop where it’s honest.

New Year, New Rules

As I move into the new year, I’ve had to get brutally honest with myself. I’ve created a set of rules — not to punish myself, but to protect myself.

Here’s what I’m committing to:

1. Studying for the FE exam every day. One hour minimum. Consistency over perfection.

2. Cold showers when I slip into bad habits — not as punishment, but as discipline.

3. Daily planning. No more floating through the day without intention.

4. Staying close to my family. I’m done running away from the people who genuinely care.

5. Remaining single. No relationships, no emotional entanglements, no distractions.

6. Cutting off unnecessary connections. Not everyone deserves access to me.

7. Therapy and self-reflection.

8. No video games.

9. Daily movement — whether it’s running, walking, or dancing.

10. Finishing my research and publishing my work.

These aren’t rules meant to punish me. They’re boundaries meant to protect my future.

Hard Truths I’ve Learned

One of the hardest things I’ve realized this year is that nobody is coming to save me. Not friends. Not opportunities. Not timing. If I want something, I have to move toward it with intention.

I’ve also learned that being “nice” doesn’t always serve you. Being overly forgiving, overly accessible, and overly available can drain you. Some people don’t deserve access to your life — and that’s okay.

I’ve learned that comparison can be dangerous, but it can also be motivating. The key is not letting it destroy your sense of self-worth. You can observe others without shrinking yourself.

And most importantly, I’ve learned that self-respect matters more than validation.

Looking Ahead

In the coming year, I want to:

• Release Tired of Everything

• Prepare for and pass the FE exam (scheduled for May 16)

• Complete my comprehensive exams

• Move fully into PhD candidacy

• Protect my peace

• Take care of my health

• Create without pressure

• Live with intention

I want to be healthier. I want to be stronger. I want to live a long, full life — mentally, physically, emotionally.

This year humbled me. It broke me down. But it also taught me something important: I don’t need to be chosen. I need to choose myself.

And that’s what I’m doing now.