Why Was I Jealous?

This month is a crucial month for me. I can feel it. There are moments in life where you realize that the direction you're going in will determine a lot of what happens next, and I feel like I’m standing in one of those moments right now. I have a lot that I want to accomplish, especially with my music and the things I’ve been creating. But more than anything, this month is about discipline and learning how to move properly with the time and energy that I have.

Recently I talked with someone who I thought might be someone I could grow close to. Maybe that possibility was there, maybe it wasn’t, but regardless of that situation, it reminded me of something important: I have to stay focused. I have to stay motivated. I cannot allow myself to get distracted from the things that actually matter in my life right now. There is too much work to be done for me to lose sight of the bigger picture.

One thing I’ve had to admit to myself is that I haven’t been as productive as I should be. That realization is disappointing because I remember a time when I felt extremely productive all the time. Back then I felt like I was constantly moving forward, constantly creating, constantly pushing toward something meaningful. But when I look at things now, I realize the issue isn’t that I’m not working. I am working. I’m always working.

The real issue is learning how to be productive properly.

That’s the difference.

People see me moving around, doing this, doing that, working on multiple things at once, but from the outside it might look like nothing is actually coming together. And that’s probably why some people don’t take me seriously. They see effort, but they don’t see results. They see motion, but they don’t see direction.

And that’s the part I have to fix.

Being productive isn’t just about working hard. It’s about working with intention. It’s about focusing on the things that actually move the needle forward instead of scattering energy in ten different directions. Right now I sometimes feel like I’m moving everywhere at once, but not truly locking in on the target.

That’s something I have to change.

At the same time, I’ve also started to realize that rejection has actually helped me more than it hurt me. I know that sounds strange, but it’s the truth. When people reject you, when situations don’t work out the way you hoped, it forces you to take a step back and refocus.

And honestly, I thank God for that.

Because if some of these things hadn’t happened, if certain people hadn’t rejected me, I might have ended up in another relationship right now. And the truth is, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone at this stage of my life. That would only distract me from the things I truly need to be doing.

Right now my focus needs to be on my work.

My schoolwork.

My research.

My goals.

The things that will actually build the future I want.

This upcoming summer is going to be very memorable for me. I can already feel it. There are projects I’ve been working on that I’m excited to release. I plan to release an album in March, and if everything goes the way I want it to, I’d also love to release another album on June 19th—Juneteenth. That would mean a lot to me, not just musically but culturally and personally as well.

Just thinking about that possibility excites me.

This summer could be something special.

A March release.

A June release.

A summer filled with music, creativity, and momentum.

I want this summer to be great, and I believe it will be. But belief alone isn’t enough. I have to become more disciplined about how I use my time. I have to stop confusing “being busy” with “being productive.” They’re not the same thing.

That’s something I’m learning the hard way.

And while I’m learning all of this, I’m also learning a lot about myself emotionally.

One of the reasons I reached out to someone recently was because I realized something while watching my brother. My brother has a very strong support system with one of his friends. They really show up for each other. They have that type of bond where you know someone is always there for you.

And when I saw that, I realized I wanted something like that for myself.

I’ll be honest.

Part of me was jealous.

Not jealous in a hateful way, but in a way that made me realize I wanted that kind of connection in my own life. That’s part of the reason I tried to reach out and rebuild something with someone I had cut off before. I thought maybe that could turn into the kind of supportive friendship I saw my brother having.

But sometimes things don’t work out the way you imagine they will.

And that’s okay.

Actually, this situation reminded me of something my pastor talked about during the last service I attended. He told the story about the older brother and the younger brother—the younger brother who went out, got lost, and eventually came back home. When the younger brother returned, the father celebrated him and welcomed him back with joy.

But the older brother was upset.

He was jealous.

He couldn’t understand why the younger brother was being celebrated when he had been there the whole time doing the right thing.

That story stuck with me because it shows how complicated human emotions can be. Even when we try to do the right things, we can still feel jealousy, frustration, or confusion about our place in the world.

And right now, I’m still trying to understand some of those feelings within myself.

I’m trying to understand why I wanted that support system so badly.

I’m trying to understand what role friendships should play in my life right now.

I’m trying to understand how to balance ambition, discipline, relationships, and personal growth.

These are not simple questions.

But one thing I do know is that this month matters.

This month is about resetting my focus.

It’s about becoming productive in the right way.

It’s about putting my energy into the things that actually matter.

And if I can do that, if I can truly lock in and stay disciplined, then the future I’m building—the music, the research, the goals I’ve set for myself—will start to come together in a way that people can finally see.

Not just the effort.

But the results.