Something Has to Change… But I Don’t Know What

I Wasn’t Going to Write Another Post…

I really wasn’t going to write another post this month. I thought I’d wait until next month, give myself a break, catch my breath. But next month is literally just a day or two away—and I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit how bad things have been getting lately.

Something in my life is not going right. I can feel it. But the worst part? I don’t know what needs to change. I just know something has to.

The Day That Broke Me a Little

Let me walk you through what happened yesterday.

I had one goal: be productive. I wanted to get some serious 3D printing work done using resin—design, print, clean, cure, and move forward.

And for a while, things seemed to be going according to plan. I had the setup, the vision, and even the momentum. Maybe too much momentum. Maybe it was the cup and a half of coffee—maybe more than I could really handle. But I was hyped, energized, determined to do everything right.

But coffee-induced adrenaline and anxiety don’t mix well with hazardous materials.

My mom and I had already gone over the plan:

• Don’t spill resin in the sink.

• Wear an apron.

• Be extremely cautious with cleanup.

• Follow every safety precaution.

We’d watched the YouTube videos. I knew what to do. But when it came time to execute, I failed.

The Moment of Panic

In my rush and anxiety, I made mistake after mistake:

• I was driving back home while distracted—on my phone—almost hitting a mailbox.

• I spilled resin while trying to reset the printer.

• And the worst part? In a daze, I poured the leftover resin down the sink. Not fully, thankfully. It didn’t go all the way through the drain. I wiped it up quickly with paper towels. I washed my hands. I cleaned everything. But the thought still haunts me.

Microplastics. What if I just contributed to something much bigger than me—something irreversible? What if I just made the world worse for someone else?

That guilt has been riding me hard. It’s not just a mistake; it feels like a metaphor for my life right now. Rushing, pushing, burning myself out, trying to move forward—and causing damage in the process.

The Academic Pressure

On top of all that, my professor wants me to get my research done—fast. And I get it. He might be leaving the university soon. He has deadlines, goals, expectations. And I want to meet them. I do. But right now, I feel like I’m running on fumes.

I’m supposed to meet with him today. And I have nothing to show. No results. No breakthrough. Just exhaustion, guilt, and a heart full of doubt.

I think he’ll be disappointed. And honestly? So am I.

Should I Even Be Doing This?

I keep asking myself this one question on repeat: “Should I even be in school right now?”

Am I truly ready for a PhD? Or am I pushing myself to do something just because it seems like the right thing on paper?

Yes, enhancing your career is a good thing. But doing it when you’re emotionally and mentally unprepared? That’s a recipe for collapse.

Everyone else seems to have support—friends, extended family, mentors, teams. All I’ve ever really had is my mom and dad. They’re amazing, but I’ve placed all the weight of my future on their shoulders.

I’ve shut myself off from deeper friendships. From building new support systems. Because I’ve been trying to fix myself in silence.

But what if I can’t do it alone?

Music, Comparison, and Self-Doubt

I get inspired watching others chase their dreams—dropping albums, building creative empires, making bold moves in their careers.

And here I am…Messing up. Spilling resin. Forgetting safety rules. Questioning everything I thought I wanted.

I’m making a mess of myself.

And the sad thing? I still believe in myself somewhere deep down. I just don’t know how to access that belief right now.

The Breaking Point

I’m wondering if this is my breaking point. Should I take a break from school, even though I just started the semester?

Or should I power through, finish the semester like a “good soldier,” and prove to myself that I’m stronger than I feel?

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I’m tired of feeling this way. Tired of the guilt. Tired of the stress. Tired of constantly being in a state of survival.

Something has to change. Even if I don’t know what it is yet.

Final Words: If You Feel This Too

If you’re reading this and you relate…If you’re overworked, overstimulated, and overwhelmed…If you’ve made mistakes, felt the guilt, questioned your path—just know:

You are not alone.

I might not have the answers yet, but I’m here. Still writing. Still showing up. Still trying.

That’s all I can do right now.

And maybe, just maybe—that’s enough.

— A Boost to My Ego