🎧 In the Trenches of a New Month: Music, Meaning & Moving Forward

It’s the start of a brand-new month, and while the world around me is still moving, I’m in the trenches. Deep. Emotionally, mentally, physically. But I’ve been here before—and every time I feel the weight, I remind myself: I have a plan.

This blog is my honest check-in, and if you’re reading this, you’re getting the raw me. No filters.

💿 A Vision for My Music Career — Even in the Chaos

I’ve made it clear in previous posts that one of my top goals is to get my music career off the ground before this year ends. That hasn’t changed. In fact, it’s become even more urgent.

The truth? Releasing music is what keeps me grounded. It’s what gives me clarity in the fog of everything else I’m dealing with. When I drop music, I feel whole. I feel like I know what I’m doing with my life. But right now? I don’t feel that way. And I’ve been putting myself in a bad position by not acting on that.

I’ve released some singles—yes. From the upcoming album. But I haven’t dropped the full project yet. Originally, it was supposed to be a 12-track album. Then I thought about expanding it to 16 tracks. But let’s be real: I’m not who I used to be. I’m not in that same emotional, mental, or vocal space.

🔁 Changing Direction: A Different Album, A Different Vibe

When you’re in a different place in life, the music has to reflect that.

That’s why I’ve considered cutting it back to 10 tracks. Something leaner. More intentional. Something that speaks to where I’m at now. Not where I was when I first envisioned this album.

I’ve already completed five songs on this new direction. But the rest? They’re not quite fitting the tone or message. And I don’t want to force it. The message needs to feel right. It needs to come from where I am today, not yesterday.

So, I’m stepping back to ask myself: What am I really trying to say? What emotion am I trying to convey?

This next album isn’t just another drop. It’s a reflection of my current state. And musically, it’s evolving from a hip-hop base to something more electronic—futuristic, even. There’s still some rap influence, sure. But it’s transforming into something psychedelic electronic. And maybe that’s what I need right now—to escape and rebuild through sound.

🧠 Exhaustion and Awareness: The Balance I’m Chasing

But let’s be honest… I’m tired.

Not the “I just need sleep” kind of tired. The kind that comes from juggling too much, carrying too many emotions, and feeling the pressure of expectations—both from the outside and from myself.

I don’t want to overdo it with the music. I don’t want to burn out. But I also can’t afford to hold back anymore. I’m walking a tightrope between pushing forward and protecting my peace.

🧭 What Comes Next?

Here’s what I know:

• I will release new music—whether that’s an 8-track or 10-track album, it’s going to happen.

• I won’t sacrifice the message for the sake of quantity. Every track will mean something.

• This month is about making hard decisions—in music, in life, and in the way I move forward.

• My voice is changing, my thoughts are shifting, and so is the way I make art. And that’s okay.

To anyone else who feels like they’re stuck, confused, exhausted—but still trying: I see you. You’re not alone.

📌 Final Thought

This blog post may sound like a rant, but it’s actually a record. A checkpoint. A reminder that even when we feel lost, there’s still a road ahead. You just have to be willing to walk it—even when it hurts.

So I’ll end with this: Tell me the feeling. Tell me what this month is supposed to be. Because I’m tired of running from it. Let’s face it head on.

This Wednesday, I’ve got an interview for an internship — and to be honest, it’s a big deal to me. It’s the result of months of struggle. At the beginning of this year, I was applying to jobs and getting nothing back. Just silence. So finally having this opportunity feels like something is shifting. Maybe.

There’s someone I’ve known — not a friend exactly, but someone familiar — who works at this company. Maybe that helped things fall into place. But I’m trying not to expect much from people. Because truthfully? I’ve learned the hard way that asking for help is exhausting. Not just exhausting — it’s torture. You open yourself up, and then they don’t follow through. Or they disappear. Or they offer help they never really intended to give. That’s happened to me too many times.

I saw someone else last week — someone I’ve also known for years — working on their capstone or thesis. They said, “Let me know if you need help.” But I already knew in my gut: they weren’t going to help me. Not really. And I wasn’t going to ask. Because depending on people hurts.

That’s where I’m at right now: building independence. Brick by brick. I know I can’t rely on others to build my future — I’ve got to do it myself. If that means taking the long road, then I’ll walk it. Even if I walk it alone.

And I’m not perfect either. I shut down. I block people. I don’t respond to texts. I keep people at arm’s length, and maybe that makes me selfish too. But that’s how I protect myself. I can send emails. I can get work done. But I’m not good at friendship. At letting people in. Not anymore.

I’ve been reflecting on that a lot lately — how much I give, how much I hold back. And what this year has shown me is that I can only count on myself to follow through.

🧠 Goals That Still Matter

Even though the year’s been heavy, I still have things I’m holding myself accountable for:

1. Mental Health: I still need to heal. I still need to find a steady place in my head where I don’t feel so up and down all the time.

2. The FE Exam: I haven’t studied in a long time, but I haven’t given up. Even if I fail, I want to at least say I took it. That I tried. Because trying is better than sitting in regret for not showing up.

3. Music: I’ve been thinking about dropping two albums — Tell Me the Feeling and Tired of Everything — on the same day. Eight tracks each. Different vibes, same energy. I want people to feel what I’ve been going through.

✂️ Preparing for the Interview

I need to get a haircut on Tuesday so I can feel fresh and ready for the Wednesday interview. I'm doing this one from home, so I want to look good and feel grounded. That’s part of the prep, part of the mental ritual. Small things matter.

💬 Final Thought

I started this year saying I’d cut everyone off. No texts. No phone calls. And somehow, I’ve still ended up being nice to people in person. But I don’t like that. I don’t like being nice when it gives people permission to get close. Because when they get close, they let you down.

I need to remind myself of who I am, of what I want, of what I’m building — even if I’m building it alone. And I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: some people are not your friends. And the longer you pretend they are, the longer you hold yourself back.

But I’m not holding myself back anymore.

I thought distancing myself would make things easier. It didn’t.

In this deeply personal video, I open up about the emotional toll of cutting people off, the blurred line between needing support and knowing people won’t always be there, and the tough truths I’m facing as 2025 comes to an end. I talk about how hard it is to balance research, school, loneliness, emotional distractions, and the haunting pressure of unproductivity.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s a self-check.

I’ve realized I do need people—community matters. But I can’t wait around for anyone to save me. This video is for those who feel like lone wolves but still crave understanding. It's for anyone who knows love isn't the solution right now… discipline is.

Whether it's those fleeting sexual feelings distracting us, or the guilt of not finishing that report, this is my raw truth. And maybe it’s yours too.

Let them respect you from a distance. Grind anyway.

🕊️ Let's keep going, little soldier.

⏳ KEY THEMES:

• Cutting people off vs. needing community

• Staying focused on school and research

• Emotional discipline and fleeting feelings

• Planning for 2026

• Loneliness, burnout, and inner strength