🖤 The Day After Thanksgiving: Sitting With the Mess I Made

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and instead of feeling full, warm, and peaceful, I’m sitting here realizing just how much of a mess I’ve made. Not just a literal mess — though that happened, and I’m not even getting into that — but an emotional, spiritual, and personal one. A mess that’s been building all year and finally hit me today.

In the last few days, I’ve opened myself up more publicly than I ever have. I’ve told the entire world how I really feel about relationships, about wanting to stay single forever, about cutting people off, about wanting to be alone, and about needing to focus solely on myself. And honestly, I meant it. All of it.

But reflecting on it today, I see the cracks in the plan. And I see the parts of me that are still figuring it out.

The Truth About Cutting People Off

Let me be honest: Even after everything I’ve said, I still believe in cutting people off.

Not because I hate people. Not because I'm cold-hearted. But because every time I try to let people in, I lose myself.

Focusing on myself takes energy. Discipline. Consistency. And honestly? People get in the way of that. Not intentionally — life just works like that. Other people come with their own needs, their own energy, their own expectations. And right now, that’s not something I can balance.

Yes, cutting people off has made me lose connections. Yes, I’ve been lonely because of it. Yes, it hurts.

But you know what hurts more? Cutting someone off for a good reason… and then forgetting why… and trying to circle back…only for them to ignore you because you already told the truth the first time: you didn’t need them.

Sometimes the original decision was the best one. Sometimes going back only embarrasses you. Sometimes “leaving them alone” is the real act of self-respect.

And honestly? This stage of my life requires that kind of self-respect.

The Music Dream That Keeps Following Me

If we’re being real, part of my mess comes from something deeper too — the music career I’ve been dreaming about for years.

There’s this part of me that still believes I could do it:

• Release singles back-to-back

• Drop out after my first PhD semester

• Build hype

• Release I’m the Biggest as my breakout album

• Perform on Jimmy Fallon

• Earn a Best New Artist nomination at the 2030 Grammys

• Actually win something that matters

I’ve imagined the plan. I’ve felt the momentum. I’ve seen the version of me who pulls it off.

And every time I think about it…It feels perfect. Like something I was meant to do.

But then reality hits.

If I truly wanted to chase that dream, I would’ve done it at the beginning of this year. I would’ve built discipline around the guitar. I would’ve structured my days around songwriting. I would’ve shown up for myself as an artist — every single morning.

Instead, I got caught up in life. In fear. In school. In self-doubt. In people. In stress. In everything except the dream.

The truth is painful: I wasn’t ready.

And that’s the part that stings.

If I Had Taken Initiative Earlier…

Sometimes I can’t help thinking about the alternate reality — the version of me who took initiative at the very beginning of the year and said, “I’m doing music full-time. I’m building my career. I’m going for it.” If I had stepped into that path with full confidence, full consistency, and full commitment, I wouldn’t have spent months stressing about getting a job. I wouldn’t have been fighting to figure out whether to return to school. I wouldn’t have been applying for positions just to feel secure. My whole energy, time, and mind would’ve been centered on building my sound, building my brand, and building a foundation for a real music career. And maybe — just maybe — I would’ve been further along career-wise. Not because the industry is easy, but because I would’ve been all-in instead of split between fear, school, survival, and expectations. It’s a hard truth to swallow: initiative at the right time could’ve changed everything.

Next Year Will Be Different — But Only If I Stay Focused

One thing I do know is that next year, I’m sticking to the plan:

• Stay single

• Stay to myself

• Stay living with my family

• Stay out of drama

• Stay focused

• Stay consistent

• Stay disciplined

This year, I told myself I’d do one vlog a month…and I ended up doing that plus multiple written posts.

Next year? I need to double down. I need to use school for what it truly is: A stepping stone. A resource. An opportunity. Not something to run away from because of stress.

Dropping out for a music career sounds romantic — but it’s not realistic for me right now. I’m not financially stable, the industry isn’t safe the way people pretend it is, and Hollywood is full of dirty tricks and compromises I don’t want any part of.

The smartest thing I can do? Stay the course. Finish what I started. Use school to build the version of me who can afford to take risks later.

The Thing I Didn’t Want to Admit Out Loud

There’s also something else weighing on me.

I didn’t want certain people seeing my posts. Because once people understand how I move, they can copy it. They can shift their whole life based on mine.

Especially that one person I had feelings for.

They saw my posts. They saw me say I want to be single. And now they might want to be single too. They might distance themselves. They might ignore me if I ever reach out again.

Not because they hate me, but because they’re mirroring me. Because they’re becoming the introvert I’m trying to become.

And maybe…maybe that’s for the best.

Maybe that’s exactly how it should be.

So Where Am I Now?

I’m in a weird place.

• Grateful but disappointed

• Proud but frustrated

• Focused but confused

• Lonely but relieved

• Hurt but healing

Thanksgiving was supposed to bring clarity. Instead, it brought truth.

And the truth is simple:

I’m not where I want to be — but I am exactly where I need to be.

This stage of isolation, self-reflection, discipline, ambition, and quietness? It’s building me. Shaping me. Preparing me.

And I think deep down, I always knew the path wouldn’t be easy.

But I also know this:

I’m going to get through it. Alone. Stronger. And better than I was yesterday.