WHY MY LIFE FEELS LIKE IMPACT SEASON

THE CALM BEFORE THE CHAOS

Everything has calmed down a little bit… but somehow everything is still incredibly hectic. I’m sitting here disappointed in myself, disappointed in the choices I’ve made, and disappointed at how close we are to the end of the year — because the end of the year always brings reflection.

And this year?

This year has been brutal.

This year has been an impact year.

Not a slow, gentle, learning experience — but a slap-in-the-face, sink-or-swim, everything-happens-at-once type of year.

THE WEDNESDAY PATTERN: WHEN EVERYTHING HITS

I’ve noticed a pattern. And honestly, it’s creepy.

Everything meaningful, everything hectic, everything life-changing this year…

has happened on a Wednesday.

• The year started on a Wednesday — January 1st.

• A week later — another Wednesday — I got an email from a job saying they’d schedule my interview.

• A month later — another Wednesday — after waiting and hearing nothing, I went back to TSU.

• That Wednesday, my professor put me onto a job opportunity.

• By March 20th — a Thursday — I had started working.

Even this week, my decision to “work hard” again happened on a Wednesday.

It’s like Wednesdays are out here punching me in the face with reality.

And the worst part?

I keep telling myself I’m working hard, when in reality…

I’m not working smart.

Not at all.

FAILED PRODUCTIVITY, MISSED EVENTS, FAKE MOTIVATION

Just yesterday, I missed an event.

I forgot. Completely.

Instead of building structure, I hung out with someone for almost two hours doing nothing — waiting around, wasting time, having a bland meal from Cookout. It wasn’t even good. Just calories and regret.

I keep saying I’m grinding.

I keep saying I’m focused.

But my actions don’t reflect that.

I feel like I’m watching myself from outside my body…

disappointed but unable to break the cycle.

MY RULES FOR THE YEAR… BROKEN BY ME

At the beginning of the year, I gave myself three rules:

1. Be single.

2. Stay with family.

3. Work until I die.

But I haven’t been sticking to them.

Not like I should.

If I had, I’d be more disciplined.

More organized.

More intentional.

Instead, I’m slipping.

And when I slip, my professor feels it.

He doesn’t yell, but he pushes.

And he pushes because he wants something out of me that I haven’t been giving:

persistence, speed, discipline, and mastery.

I love that pressure — and I hate it.

But that’s why I can’t afford to hang out.

That’s why even people I respect have become distractions.

Even Kane — President of the organization — demands too much from me because I’m too capable.

But that’s exactly why I have to step back.

I need boundaries.

I need silence.

I need isolation.

RELATIONSHIPS? NOT NOW. NOT EVER.

I’ve always wanted a relationship.

But realistically?

I can’t afford one. Not mentally. Not emotionally. Not strategically.

I need to retrain my mind to not want closeness.

Not want companionship.

Not want friendships.

I need to become more reclusive — for my own stability.

Honestly, I already messed up my body with the anxiety, the microplastics incident, the stress, the panic about affecting the world.

And every time I try to be social or open up, I just end up exhausted, overexposed, and behind on my work.

THE CAR, THE MISTAKES, THE FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL

Let’s talk about the stupid stuff:

• I scraped my car on the bike-lane poles.

• I almost scraped it again in a McDonald’s drive-thru.

• I’m putting marks on something I paid a lot of money for — something I love.

My solution?

Not to drive.

Literally.

But I have to drive, because the other family car leaks antifreeze like a broken faucet.

Everything feels like a compromise.

Everything feels like a setup for another mistake.

FALLING BEHIND AND FALLING APART

Campus emails are hitting my inbox nonstop.

The boot camp already started.

People are already ahead.

And I’m behind.

Not because I’m lazy.

But because I’m overwhelmed.

Because I feel like every move I make is another chance to mess something up.

Because I feel like I’m sprinting behind everyone else with ankle weights strapped to my legs.

And honestly?

This is just how life is right now.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I want to be better.

I want to get ahead.

I want to rebuild my discipline.

I want to stop disappointing myself.

But most of all —

I want peace.

And to get peace, I have to cut distractions.

Cut noise.

Cut effort in the wrong places.

Cut people who take too much.

Cut habits that keep me small.

This season is about rebuilding myself from the ground up.

Even if it hurts.

Even if it’s lonely.

Even if it’s messy.

Because if I don’t do it now…

I’ll be stuck in this cycle forever.

And I refuse to let that be my life.