I'm Tired… But I'm Not Giving Up

Introduction: The Weight I Carry

This year hasn't been kind to me. But honestly, I don’t think I expected it to be.

What I did expect, though, was to make a choice and follow through — to either pursue school or dive straight into the workforce. That was the plan: be decisive, intentional, and take charge of my life.

But if life has taught me anything, it's that plans rarely go as expected — especially when you're tired. And this year, I’ve been tired in a way that runs deeper than just needing sleep. It’s emotional. It’s physical. It’s spiritual. But I’m still here.

January: The Crossroads of School and Work

At the beginning of the year, I had one goal: figure it out. I told myself — either I’m going back to school, or I’m heading into the workforce to make a living.

And honestly? Everyone around me, especially my parents, started leaning toward work. It made sense. They knew how stressful school had been for me, how overwhelming it was to balance expectations, research, deadlines, and grades. So I applied for a job in early January, right after the New Year — January 8th.

I waited for weeks. They said they’d get back to me. But nothing happened.

Then on February 5th — a Wednesday — I decided to stop waiting and just go back to TSU. Something about TSU felt familiar, secure, and welcoming. It felt like the one place that would say “yes” to me. And it did.

But returning to school didn’t make things easier. In fact, it made them more complicated.

School Struggles: I’m Not Just Enrolled — I’m Drowning

I want to be honest. I’m struggling in school. Not just in my classes, but also in my research — which matters deeply because it defines who I’m becoming as a scholar.

My professor has been pushing me to progress faster, to move forward with intention. And that’s where I fall short. I haven’t been intentional. I’ve been exhausted. Disconnected. Numb.

Even though I just started this semester, I already feel behind. I tell myself, “I want to work harder than everyone else.” But it seems like no matter how hard I try, things just get worse.

I miss deadlines. I misunderstand assignments. I sit at my desk, staring at the screen, wondering if this is what I really want. But every time I think of quitting, I remember how much I’ve already sacrificed just to be here. So I keep going. And I remind myself: I’m tired… but I’m not giving up.

The FE Exam: Fear of the Future

I was supposed to take the FE exam this year — a big milestone in my journey as an engineer. But I didn’t. Why?

Fear. Intimidation. Paralysis.

I didn’t feel ready, even though I had months to prepare. I couldn’t even bring myself to open the study book some days. It’s like my brain was running in survival mode — handling just enough to get through the day.

And every time I saw someone else pass the exam, it felt like I was slipping further behind. But I don’t want to compare myself anymore. I’ve had a different path. A unique path. My journey isn’t supposed to look like anyone else's.

Music: Caught Between Silence and the Soundtrack of My Life

Music is my outlet. It’s how I process pain, anger, love, and confusion. It’s my therapy. But this year, even music hasn’t come easily.

I’ve been debating: Should I drop an album with 9 tracks? 12? 20?

Eventually, I settled on 16 tracks — because every time something significant happens in my life, a 16-track album follows. Like when I was hospitalized. Like after my breakup. Like now.

This album is slowly becoming a reflection of everything I’ve endured this year. But it’s hard to finish when I don’t even feel like hitting record. I’m burned out. Creatively. Emotionally. Academically.

Still, somewhere inside me, I know that when this album is done — it’s going to be my magnum opus. It will say what I don’t know how to say in conversations. It will speak for the parts of me that no one ever sees.

Signs, Regrets, and Realizations

One thing I’ve realized this year is that I don’t always listen to the signs. Sometimes, I keep going on autopilot — even when everything in me is screaming to pause. That’s how I ended up tired. That’s how I ended up here.

And yes, I have regrets:

• Not taking the FE exam.

• Not releasing an album sooner.

• Giving someone $20 I probably shouldn’t have trusted.

• Not protecting my energy when I should have.

But regrets don’t define me. Resilience does.

I Just Want to Rest — But Not Forever

Here’s the truth: I don’t want to die. I don’t want to burn out so bad that I lose my purpose.

I just want to rest. Rest without guilt. Rest without pressure. Rest without feeling like I’m falling behind every second I’m not working.

My body is telling me to slow down. My spirit is begging me to listen. And for once, I want to honor that.

The Final Thought: I’m Still Here

So if you’ve made it this far in reading this post — thank you. I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because someone else might feel the same way and need to hear it from me:

• You’re not weak for being tired.

• You’re not a failure for pausing.

• You’re still worthy — even when life is hard.

I’m not giving up. I’m going to finish this degree. I’m going to pass the FE. I’m going to drop this album. I’m going to heal.

But for now? I’m tired. And that’s okay.

— A Boost to My Ego 💿🧠